“Oh-wow, I want everything for me – love, joy, a successful business, loving children who dress themselves up for school” – said NO MUM EVER. Except for the last part. Because I guess we all want kids who are already dressed up, ready for school in the morning.
After almost one week with no Internet and no way to keep my business running as usual, I had all this time to properly look at my life when “disconnected”. It’s funny how we end up taking things for granted, isn’t it? I mean, look at the Internet – we assume it’s always there, just like the air we breathe. And when suddenly it’s not, we realise what it’s like without it.
These days with no access to the www., I had time for introspection. I looked deeper inside my soul and I just sat in silence to contemplate my life. And one thing, in particular, struck me: all this constant rush, all this hustle, the reason why I even started my business from the beginning – was thinking of my daughter.
Even moving to the UK was a decision I and my husband took for the sake of our child.
I wanted for my child to have it all – a thriving education, the joy of travelling, abundance, the toys and books she wishes for, loving and not-worn-out parents, good, reliable friends, the chance to choose what she wants to become as an adult and so many other fantastic things.
My entire Universe has been shaped around her future. And somewhere along the way, I completely forgot about ME. About my own desires, identity and dreams.
I forgot that I used to dream of writing my own novel.
I forgot that I used to love having my coffee while still WARM.
I forgot that I always wanted to live in a sunny place, by the Ocean.
I forgot that I actually love to linger in my bed in the mornings.
I forgot all these things and so much more! I even forgot how it was to be in love with my husband, jeh!
“What happened to me?”, I asked myself.
And, upon my word! I can’t say exactly what happened. I believe it’s how we are wired as mums – to sacrifice our own dreams and well-being for the sake our children.
It’s only natural, isn’t it?
We need to provide shelter and safety for our little ones.
But I just don’t want to lose myself in the process, how about you?
These las couple of days have been enlightening, to say the least. While we invented games and went for walks, spent our time playing, singing and daydreaming, I realised I kind of lost sense of what brings ME joy.
I mean, what makes me personally happy, unrelated to my family at all. I asked myself “if I were completely alone, what would have made me smile?”.
So, I made a list with all the things that make me happy as a human-being. NOT a mum, NOT a wife. Just me.
It’s funny cause it sounds like it’s sooo obvious and easy, yet the list was so short and things didn’t come naturally. I even had to spy at old pictures of me to have a grasp of my old self – the one who has been buried deep inside, under piles and piles of clothes and diapers, under sleepless nights and dripping milk, under grumpy faces and endless crying scenes. Under motherhood, even under the businesswomen mask.
And, oh boy! how revealing it has been.
I realised I actually can be super comfortable with my own company and, above all, that I, too, CAN and SHOULD HAVE IT ALL.
This is not being perfect at all. It’s not about figuring it all out right from the start. It’s a growing process, one in which I learn everyday and I embrace the challenges as they come and go.
So, there will be days – when I’ll lose track of these dreams again. You’ll do it too. Me and you, we might find ourselves stuck again. And that is absolutely fine. We are mums, we are responsible for raising future capable, nice, kind-hearted adults – it’s a huge responsibility!
But we are also women – we MUST NOT FORGET this!
We must not forget about our dreams, ok?
If there’s something I wish, is for you to make a promise to yourself. Promise me you’ll never forget about those dreams, deal?
Even better, go and chase them!
Until next time,